2oz vodka of choice
2oz Kahlua or coffee liquor
2oz soda water or tonic water
build drink over ice or layer
meant to drank quickly through
a straw
Many of us would love to live our lives in a movie. We all often day dream about saving the day, scoring the implausible point to win the game, getting the girl and riding off into the sunset. I think about these things way too much as a adult. But some movies no one wants to be in. Remember that 90's flick where a bachelor party goes wrong when they accidentally kill the stripper? Yeah, well even if you haven't, I think you can see where this is going. So since this experience was somewhat close to the fore mentioned movie here is the cast of characters.
O'Malley: The manager/good spirited/always brought a good party
Vicious: The bouncer/good time havin'/ no nonsense type
Big B: The kitchen guy/ great drinking buddy/ quite but not afraid to interject his "wisdom" at any moment
Jubes: former co-worker/fun loving/ good time party goer
Melt: bar back/ quick witted/ opportunist of many things in bar life
Me: bar tender/read more of my stuff to form an opinion
Whats her face:drunk blonde girl/need I say much more
The bar was pretty much cleared out and the hours were seeming to drag on. O'Malley went to see if he could drum up some business with Vicious and Jubes by visiting some restaurants. I liked to refer to this as "cop a buzz in the name of the company". It did, however, sometimes work. Like any other night Melt and myself helped ourselves to a few drinks also while conversing with what few guests we had. Big B came out after he closed the kitchen early and we were pretty much the only people in the bar.
Around 12:30 or so the gang came back but they had brought a friend. A small mildly attractive blonde girl had followed them back. O'Malley got behind the bar and mixed her a few tootie-fruity drinks. She was loving all the attention of being the only person in the bar without external genitals. O'Malley then gave the executive order to shut down the bar early and make it a private party. I couldn't agree more. Melt and I began our normal closing duties while still feeding the gang, "whats her face" and ourselves with booze. Whats her face mentioned how much she would love to dance. The guys quickly began stuffing the jukebox with dollar bills.
Can I dance for you on the bar?
Oh yeah.
Sure girl.
Let me help you up there baby.
I came out from behind the bar to sit and count the cash drawer at a small satellite table behind the guys. Melt went in the back to wash bar mats, ash trays and just dick around until the sad excuse for the dance party was over. She wasn't exactly prom queen material on top of being a horrible drunken mess with no rhythm. Maybe I wasn't so impressed because of my recent late night rondevus with another of our bar tenders(a single female one). Big B began asking to see a little skin as Whats her face swayed awkwardly to the vocal styling of some already has been teenie bopper. She was sober enough to work the crowd a little by
asking for another shot or maybe some of our "magic bartender dust" before she would be able to take the show to skin town. And of course the gang begin to agree to her demands when I let my douche bag strip club persona out. I yelled "Shit don't work that way girl! You gotta work for drinks around here!" The guys half-heartedly agreed with my logic. So she showed a little flesh and they poured a little booze. I would yell something to the effect of "OH come on! You can do better then that!" every few minutes without ever taking my eyes off the the cash drawer. The gang was finding my heckling to be quite amusing as the held back their drool in between chuckles and gulps of beer. I remember this next part way too well. I was recounting the five dollar bills just to make sure I got it right when I heard a loud "smack" from over my left shoulder. I raised my head from the money and turned around to see all four of the guys standing up looking down. Of course they were looking at Whats her face laying face down on the floor. Jubes then said what we all were thinking "Oooooohhhhh!"
O'Malley, out of panic, grabbed her quickly from the floor. The rest of us were still slightly in shock. The amount of booze we ingested wasn't helping out much either. She draped over O'Malley's arms like a beach towel, flaccid and what appeared to be lifeless. I knew from my brief time in nursing school that this wasn't a good sign by any means. It really didn't take too much of a scholar to see that shit. Vicious said with authority "Do somethin' J. You got all the medical experience." I was in the top ten percent of my class during nursing school before I dropped out half way. So I went over and moved her hair out of her face and tried to remember my emergency first aid classes and how to assess head trauma. First thing that came to mind was pupil dilation. I now know in hind sight that maybe a quick feel for a radial pulse would have been best but hey I was nervous and kind of drunk.
I knelt down in front of her limp body still being suspended by O'Malley and brushed her hair from her face. I pulled out my lighter to use as flashlight and peeled back her eyelid. That's when my buzz went away and my heart began to irregularly race. The reason why is because all I saw was the white of her eye. No pupil, no iris, nothing. Just white. I tried to hold a straight face but I'm sure everyone heard me gasp.
Y'all, this might be bad.
Big B and Vicious went to the corner and huddled up discussing the situation. O'Malley kept a hold on Whats her face with a very concerned look about him. Then Jubes broke."Fuck man! We are all goin' to prison. We just killed a bitch!" Needless to say this lowered the morale of the gang. I did check her pulse almost immediately after the outcry. It was popping just like it should. I told everyone and we were all at ease for a few seconds. I also explained that this didn't mean she was going to fine. There was a good possibility that she may have some problems in her head or even spinal cord. Big B came over and told me he had it from here. The gallons of medical experience one must get while flipping burgers and ribeye steaks was about to flow. He kept snapping his fingers in her ears and talking loudly in her face. Then he began moving her head around.
Godamn it dude! Don't move her she may have a neck injury!
SSShhhhhh! I got this.
She stayed lethargic despite B's supreme bed side manner. All the while Jubes paced, smoked and mumbled
about prison and death. Vicious stood still, arms crossed. O'Malley just kept on holding the limp chick with furrows of worry running through his forehead. I was trying to think. I was also terrified and beginning to tremble slightly. About that same time Melt walked in and paused instantly. "What da fuck is goin' on!" We all kinda of explained in unison. That's when he reached for his cell phone, darted for the back door and told us we were on our own. We all wished we could do the same.
We all began discussing a game plan. I suggested a hospital would be the best but when I was told that I could take her there myself I became reluctant.
You're the most sober of us all. You take her!
Fuck you man! I didn't even want that stupid bitch on the bar anyway. Y'all can take her.
That went on for a few minutes until we realized that no one was stepping up. Then we thought maybe just drive around quickly and kinda throw her out near the ER entrance would be a solution. I forget who brought up the fact that surveillance cameras were everywhere at hospitals. The options were running low and so was our time in the bar. This was in a hotel bar after all and soon the breakfast crew would come waltzing in and find us holding a semi-vegetable of a blonde girl. So we went back to the revive plan. Cold water works in movies. Let's give it a shot. Nope that didn't work. Hows about a smack across the cheek? Nah that didn't help either. So here we are yelling and smacking away when she started flailing wildly. Then she went back to sleep. Finally a good sign. She started to mutter incoherent slurs. We all breathed deeply in slight relief.
O'Malley carried her swiftly to the back door where Jubes had already pulled up his car. We all decided that putting her in the trunk wouldn't be the best means of transport and opted for a blanket in back seat. O'Malley and Jubes' apartment was the destination with strict orders from me to wake her every forty-five minutes to an hour just to make sure Whats her face was still in our world. We said our farewells and went home to an uneasy morning of rest.
Nightmares raged throughout my slumber. Prison, murder, crying mothers and Hell flashed into my mind with abstract backgrounds. I just knew that any minute the cops were going to bust in my door and drag me to Brushy Mountain State Penitentiary. I received the text around noon that Whats her face woke up with no recollection of what happened from the night before other then dancing and being drunk. She survived with a head ache and a bit of a hangover. I almost fucking cried in joy with the news. The gang and myself would never be able to go to a Coyote Ugly without fear of a flash back or panic attack but we weren't facing criminal charges and that was really fuckin' awesome.
Hope you enjoyed this and I'll try to post much more in the future.
Cheers Y'all! 